It's Just Coffee, Not a Marriage Proposal

Pastoral Thoughts on Dating

It is with much trepidation that I write something about dating. I’d almost (but only almost) rather write about specific politicians and my thoughts on them than dating. But, as a pastor, the question of dating (who to date, how to date, should I date, why am I not dating) is an unavoidable question. To add a geographic wrinkle, I live in the Washington, D.C. area, and here, there is a disparity between men and women. According to the Census Bureau, D.C. is one of the most educated cities in America, and it has one of the country’s lowest ratios of unmarried men to women: about 80 unmarried men per 100 unmarried women. To illustrate this even further, imagine a simplified DC dating pool:

100 single professional women: maybe 70–80 have degrees/graduate degrees

80 single men: maybe 50–60 have comparable education

Anecdotally, the split between evangelical women and evangelical men is even worse. Meaning, there seem to be far more godly, single women than godly, single men. This has been my experience across five churches and twenty years in the DMV.

So what advice do I have? Let me start with the requisite throat-clearing and caveats. This is advice from a pastor to Christians that is dependent on a biblical worldview. Much of this advice will not resonate with non-Christians (but maybe some will). Secondly, I have been married for fourteen years and dated my wife for the two years prior to that. I have no relevant experience in what makes up the dating world now. My wife and I missed the ubiquity of online dating. I can only offer advice as someone on the outside looking in. Finally, I’m largely dealing with advice of a slightly more practical nature. Much has been said about not dating people who believe in false gospels, or who do not believe in the gospel at all. Likewise, much ink has been spilled about things like ‘courtship’ or ‘biblical dating’ or ‘purity culture.’ This essay isn’t addressing those things directly. It is not that they aren’t important, but I don’t have anything novel to add. So without further ado…

Care Less about Education and More about Sanctification

There’s a numbers argument to be made here, as seen above, if higher education is mandatory for dating prospects, the numbers are not kind to Christian women. But I want to focus on a more compelling point. In places concerned with status, education can be seen as crucial to such status. But biblically, degrees mean nothing as it relates to our value or our relation to Christ. All human beings are made in the image of God. The pieces of paper someone has hanging on their wall have nothing to do with their value nor their godliness. This concern with status certainly affects both genders, but there’s data that supports the notion that women care more about education, earning ability, and focus on work. None of these things are bad things. They just aren’t ultimate things. So to my Christian sisters, there are countless godly and wise men who work the trades, or simply never finished their degree. Don’t let this be an obstacle. On the flip side, there are men who get intimidated by highly successful women. D.C. has no shortage of truly impressive women. Women who serve in their local church, love Jesus fiercely, know theology deeply, and have participated in presidential cabinet-level meetings. There’s no place for discounting a woman because of her achievements. James 2:1 tells us to show no socioeconomic partiality in the church. This is a good principle to apply to dating. Someone’s education or achievement is not ultimate; their love for the Lord is. We’re looking for spouses who will help us to heaven by pointing us to Christ. This isn’t a call to lower moral standards, but to discount worldly status standards.

Ask for a Date as Soon as Possible

I have heard a dating tale as old as time. Someone, usually a man, starts to have a crush on a woman and then…waits. And waits. And waits. And spends a lot of time in groups, chatting, texting, being friendly, but never asking the woman out on a proper date. In this extended time, the man convinces himself that he is at least half in love with this woman. He pines and over-interprets any positive signal that comes his way. Finally, when he musters up the courage or is sure that she is interested, he asks her out, only to hear “no.” He is then devastated (and a reminder to us married folks, try to remember how brutal getting turned down is). This leads to him being even more cautious and reluctant to ask the next woman out on a proper date. Or perhaps he just doesn’t do that at all. My most practical advice, ask for a date soon-ish. If she says no, it’s not as big a deal. There’s no massive buildup, no fallout, just a smaller disappointment and then moving on. Another version of this, someone, again, usually a Christian man, comes across godly, dateable women again and again, but holds himself back from asking anyone out because he assumes asking for a first date is basically a marriage proposal. Thus, he waits for a supermodel with an MDiv, who is funny, smart, pleasant, and super into him. This person doesn’t exist. Ask women out for coffee. It’s just coffee, it’s not a marriage proposal. You might be surprised what the Lord does. Finally, there’s what the kids call a “situationship” (did I use that right?). One party texts, is quasi-flirty, and generally relies on the other party who certainly has feelings. But typically, if the texty/flirty party is a man, he never asks the girl out because he never had serious intentions. Likewise, typically, if it’s a woman, they are usually taking up emotional space while waiting for the person they actually want to date. In other words, there is an enjoyment of relational benefits without relational commitment. Avoid this. Don’t be the person that does this nor the person that gets sucked into it. It is almost always a waste of everyone’s time. The simple solution is to clarify such situationships with a real ask for a date. This isn’t just practical. If we as Christians are called to consider others as worthy of more honor than ourselves (Romans 12:10), this means putting the other person’s well-being ahead of our own in dating. This doesn’t mean you have to marry the first person you date; it does mean you have to treat them as a beloved sibling in the Lord.

And one last thing, given Ruth approaching Boaz on the threshing floor, are we sure a woman can never ask out a man? Yes, that story is descriptive and not prescriptive. Yes, men should lead in love within marriage, but still, are we sure there is never a place for a woman to initiate? Are godly women in Scripture always wholly passive? Of course not.

Date with Wise Plans

Now, I’ve just argued that we should take the pressure way down on asking for a first date, but this does not nullify the reality that dating is a process aimed at an extraordinarily important outcome. The decision to marry and who to marry is one of the most significant decisions we will make. There are few choices more tied to our well-being on a day-in and day-out basis. For this reason, dating should be done wisely. I mean this in a few ways. First, we should know what the purpose of dating is. The Bible doesn’t have a perfect corollary to modern dating; even the concept of betrothal carried cultural significance that doesn’t quite translate. Nevertheless, the purpose of Christian dating is to evaluate whether this person would be a godly and good spouse. Therefore, dating wisely means dating with that end in mind. I wouldn’t give a step-by-step instructional on how to do this, but I would recommend thinking of dating in stages. The first stage is intentionally getting to know someone, suss out whether there’s mutual attraction, and get a sense of their faith in Christ. This is the “it’s just coffee” stage. The second stage would be diving deeper into each other’s church life, faith, friends, and life. This entails a lot of time together within Christian community and potentially meeting each other’s families. Examples can include going to church together, meeting each other’s friends, group hangouts, and if either of you have mentors, time with those people as well. We want input from those who know us best and are walking with us in our local churches. Finally, the third stage is essentially the lead-up to engagement. This is when families are met (if it hasn’t happened yet), discussions about the future, jobs, places to live, theology, and what walking with Christ should look like. I wouldn’t offer timelines or specifics. Each couple is different. I know couples who got married within a month or two and couples who waited years where Christ is glorified in their homes. Whatever plan you pursue, be intentional, get counsel from your pastors, fellow members, friends, etc. They know you best.

You should also have another set of plans. The Bible does not have an instruction manual for dating, but it does give us precepts. We ought to date to the glory of God, which means righteously and without sin. There are positive and negative obedience aspects to this. Positively, while dating, the couple should be a godly encouragement to one another, considering each other’s souls regularly. Negatively, Christian couples should date without sinning. No one dates without any sin whatsoever, of course, but that is our aim. Again, we need to lean into accountability with our local church. It’s often been said that the devil will do anything he can to get you into bed before marriage and keep you out of it afterwards. But it’s not just sexual sin we have to be on guard against. We cannot let dating or a significant other displace our affections for Christ or untether us from our church. This requires wisdom.

A Note on Online Dating

As noted in the introduction, my wife and I missed the rise of online dating by a few years. It existed, but wasn’t ubiquitous when we met. Now, it is one of the first things people ask about when talking to a pastor on the topic of dating. The use of the internet to meet a potential spouse is not in and of itself sinful or wrong or unwise. We cannot bind the conscience where Scripture does not bind. Additionally, online dating does seem to be addressing a real need in Christian dating. I live in a place where there are many more eligible women than men, but that’s not the case everywhere. In other places, it is the reverse. I’ve even known like-minded churches put together directories or low-fi apps that connect singles from across various congregations. This is a good thing. I do offer one caution as it relates to online dating, though. It can be easy to start to engage with assessing potential dates as a commodity. In other words, we can start to see faces on a screen as a product meant to entice us as opposed to someone made in the image of God. Guard your hearts from dehumanizing the people you encounter online. Secondly, be discerning. I have heard a number of stories of profiles that say things like “Christian. Hard-Worker. Polyamorous.” That is a slight exaggeration, but only slight. Try to take into account things beyond a picture. Nevertheless, there is no blanket prohibition for online dating.

It’s Far Better to Remain Single than to Marry the Wrong Person

I am mystified as to why the Lord allows so many wonderful, godly, single men and women who desire marriage to remain without a spouse. The Scriptures are replete with references to the blessings of marriage. Consider, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing,” or “my beloved is mine and I am his.” I have been incredibly blessed by Marion in incalculable ways. And it’s been a wonderful life together. So I confess I don’t understand why this joy is denied to many single Christians who earnestly desire it. But what I can say is that Christ does know why he withholds things and that he does all things well. It is for our joy and not our pain that the Lord says no or not yet to the good things we desire. He knows intimately the desires of single men and women who love him. And he offers himself as the balm for any hurt or disappointment. One thing I have seen is the pain that comes from being married to a wicked spouse. Pastors typically see the hardest things as it relates to marriage. Remaining single is often preferable to the hard marriage relationships I’ve seen. Relatedly, singleness is not a curse (though it might feel like one). Paul is pointing out the obvious when he says the unmarried man is free to be anxious about the things of the Lord, while the married man is anxious about the things of the world, such as providing, parenting, and all the rest. There is a freedom to singleness that can and should be enjoyed. The purpose of that season, whether long or short, is to make much of Christ by enjoying him with the extra freedom you have.

Conclusion

Marriage is a good thing to be desired. Dating is our modern culture’s approach to pursuing it. One is inevitably connected to the other. Still, we cannot pin all our hopes on dating or marriage. If we put the weight of our expectations on another person, whether it be a dating partner or a spouse, we’ll inevitably be disappointed. People, even the ones we like or love most, are not built to carry that weight. The purpose of dating is not to make us happy. It’s to find a godly spouse. The purpose of marriage is not to make us happy; it is to make us holy. Marriage is one of the hardest things I have ever done. This is not because I don’t have a wonderful wife—I do—but because daily living under one roof with two sinners will always be difficult. Throw in children, job stress, life surprises, and a myriad of other things, and you have a recipe for difficulty. But this is the point: marriage helps strip us of our illusions and self-reliance. Christ is the one who should carry our troubles. He bids us come and trade our heavy burden for his yoke, which is easy and light. Marriage helps us see this. But so does singleness. Singleness gives the opportunity to draw near to Christ and rely on him. Both are tools in the hands of the Redeemer. Dating should be aimed at helping one find a spouse who will be committed to pursuing this holiness. Marriage as a refining instrument is incredibly counter-cultural given that there is so much pressure to find the one who will make you happy. But only the One True Son of God can do that.