When “Where Are You Going to Church?” Isn’t the Right Question

On listening and asking well when faith is fragile

I slid into my cozy chair at my regular coffee shop for a few hours of reading and writing. Before getting into it, I looked at the coffee bar menu with unfocused eyes. I knew my order, but I was enjoying a moment of unrushed time. Then someone walked into my field of vision. Someone whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. Tom*. He hadn’t been at our church in over a year. Before that, he and his wife were in pastoral counseling trying to save their marriage, but it still ended. She stayed at our church. He left with vague assurances he was attending the Anglican church across town. No one faulted him for leaving.

I missed the guy. We genuinely enjoyed hanging out, talking theology, and later, trying to bring the gospel to bear on his marriage. He saw me and smiled. I got up and hugged him. He asked me about the kids, I asked him about work, and for twenty to thirty minutes the conversation was relaxed. Then I asked the question.

“Where are you going to church now?”

I’ve seen this scenario play out between concerned Christians and people who have fallen away from the faith, walked through deep conflict with the church, or simply faded away. The intent behind the question is good, godly even. It’s a shorthand for asking so many things. How’s your soul? How’s your faith? Do you still believe the gospel? If not, it’s okay, let’s talk about it. The impulse to care for their souls is a good one.

But the question can land in at least three ways that aren’t helpful to soul-care.

Deflection

One answer people in Tom’s position commonly give is: “It’s been really hard to connect at church. I’m not sure this one is a fit. I’ve been thinking about trying another one.” And that all could very well be true. But it can also be a way to avoid the real question. The one about how Tom actually is. Tom may still be deeply hurting, or falling into sin, or apathetic about his faith and sometimes all three. The focus on what church he’s going to is surface level. We could spend an hour talking about the problem of the ‘right’ church and how to fix it without ever finding out how Tom really is. Caring for one another means pressing into uncomfortable conversations. We cannot underestimate our hearts’ ability to deceive ourselves. (Jer. 17:9) It’s so often the case that we don’t think twice about a moral issue until someone asks about it. And we cannot underestimate our own desire to hide our sin. This is Adam and Eve’s first instinct after the fall, to cover themselves up, to hide. Good care means getting beyond the fig leaves we throw up in front of each other.

Clean Yourself Up

Sometimes, the question is asked because the asker believes that getting back into a church will cure all that ails you. Church is one of God’s ordinary means of grace. It is where we see the gospel, hear the gospel, sing the gospel, pray the gospel, and display the gospel to one another. It is God’s missions and discipleship program. But we’ve all known people who attend church at a surface level. People who do not let the gospel get into their hearts. (Matt. 7:21–23, John 6:66) For people like Tom, church attendance alone isn’t the answer. The church is a means to the answer. The answer is going to the One who bought the church at the price of his blood.

It’s possible to hear this question as a demand to get his act together. ‘They are right, I’ll do better, I’ll grit my teeth and get back into church.’ That’s not a bad thing, but being a regular attender doesn’t guarantee anything. Tom has to rely on Christ. It can be crushing to hear ‘do the right thing and go to church’ and have none of the underlying pain be addressed. And if the question ‘Where are you going to church now?’ is heard by Tom as weighty works requirements, it raises a final concern.

Do You Really Care?

The church question can give the perception that we don’t really care about the hurting person. ‘Oh, we chatted for thirty minutes, but all Ben really cares about is whether I’m checking the Christian boxes.’ Misunderstanding the question can reframe Tom’s perception of the entire conversation from grateful to uncared for. It’s all too easy for Tom to buy into the lie that we don’t really care about people’s souls. If that’s how the question is received, it can encourage people to withdraw.

Consider Luke 10:38–42. Martha wants Jesus to rebuke Mary for not helping with the serving. But Martha has misunderstood the moment. Jesus’ point isn’t that serving is bad, but that choosing to sit at Jesus’ feet and learning from him was more important. In the same way, church is not bad, but in these moments with folks like Tom, the priority should be loving them well and in a way they receive that love.

A Better Way

There are better questions to ask. More importantly, there is a posture to adopt that will help. Christ exemplified this posture for us. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench.” (Matt. 12:20) This is the way we want to come across when trying to care for someone who’s struggling, but whose struggles aren’t yet completely clear. One way we hold this posture is by listening. This precedes any questions. (James 1:19) Listening makes probing questions easier to ask because it demonstrates a loving posture.

I don’t want to offer you a script, or the perfect question (though I will make suggestions). I want to encourage you toward a loving posture and to listening well. Then base further questions off of what you hear. David Powlison was known for saying, ‘Love→Know→Speak.’ Listening is loving, and it helps us know the person and the problems they face.

Yet, I do want to encourage different questions. Within the context of relationships, they help us help others. One question that has been helpful is simply, “How are you doing? Really?” Tom may respond, ‘Great!’ the first time, and then a repetition or two often reveals further clarity.

Another I’ll ask is, ‘How are you doing with Jesus in all of this?’ Inelegant, but open-ended while asking about what matters most. This is the kind of question you can ask within the context of a relationship, but it is much harder without it. Get them talking. Get them talking about Jesus and the gospel and what’s hard for them to believe.

*Tom is a composite of many people I’ve talked with.

**Thanks to ChatGPT for critiquing this essay and pulling up Bible verses as requested.